She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
