apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
