Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
