fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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