When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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