and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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