I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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