The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
