i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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