the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I stole a fireplace last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Boobs speak an international language.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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