i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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