Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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