ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
