There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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