Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize