Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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