You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
