Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
