I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
