she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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