Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
