what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
