i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
it's great music for shaving your balls
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
