She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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