He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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