dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
