Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
