Got a toothbrush?
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
no you cant smoke seaweed
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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