I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
