I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
