News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize