no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
