your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
