I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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