I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
