i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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