the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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