So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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