I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You're like the curious george of whores
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
