apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
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