these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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