And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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