We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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