The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
