Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
