The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
