I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
