my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
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