If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
