I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
