Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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