i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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