rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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