i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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