I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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