you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
