Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
