seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
